COVID-19, Depression, and Writing

Note: This is not so much advice as it is a reflection of what I have been going through the past couple of months.

Quarantine: not an ideal situation that we are all in. Personally, I don't mind it (most of the time), except that I am sharing my space with three other humans and four animals. However, while I might not mind the quarantine aspect (as I am an introvert), I do still have some difficulty with navigating the day-to-day aspects.

To get right to the point: I have depression. I've struggled with it for years, and there have been times when it settles back into the recesses of my mind. However, after a time, my depression makes an appearance, which affects my writing to the point that I can't write at times. COVID-19 (and everything that has come with it) has really brought my depression to the forefront. My writing isn't something that I can just flip on. I need to be motivated in order to write, and depression is one hell of a way to demotivate someone.

There have been times, in the past few months, when I have worked on my novel. Yet, I still feel as if I am in a slump, or I get pulled into one because of what is happening around me. Since March, my dad has been in the hospital twice. My mom found out she has Parkinson's disease. My sister and I's relationship deteriorated because of the constant closeness and our differing values (she also fought with my mother, which is another stress factor having to listen to them scream at each other). While all of these moments were happening, I found myself sinking further and further into my depression. At the time, I thought I was dealing with my depression, but looking back, I was letting it take over my life. It reminds me of how I was when I was a teenager, which was a time of my life when I was in a deep, dark place.

As time went on, I would just stay in my room, not really doing anything. I wouldn't write. When I read, I wasn't really reading or paying attention to the words on the page. I played video games, but they were just a mindless distraction to keep me away from my racing thoughts. The thoughts I was trying to get away from were my worries over not finding a job, my parents, COVID-19, and my lack of writing. My thoughts also had an overarching theme of how I wasn't good enough; whether it be getting a good job or being a good writer. These thoughts really crippled my work ethic and brought out the insecurities that I buried deeply within myself.

By mid-July, I felt very agitated and miserable. I was barely keeping my anxiety at bay by basically ignoring or running away from my issues. My tactics weren't healthy to say the least. I ended up talking to my mom about my fears, anxiety, and depression a little bit, along with how it has affected me in the professional aspects of my life (hopefully one day my writing will be able to pay the bills). She told me that I need to get into a routine and to at least post once a week (amongst various other things). My initial reaction was to run away. I had gotten so used to hiding and putting myself in a bubble. But it wasn't working anymore. My talk with her was what inspired me to write this post. I didn't write this to give advice or say I know how to deal with writing and depression. This piece is about coming to terms with the struggles I've been going through the past few months inside my head. I want to share with you my point of view and show people a way that depression affects people.

I can't give advice because I'm only taking each day as they come. As I always say, my way works for me but it might not work for you. I'm working through my depression by setting up a routine and forcing myself to write/work on my novel (even if it's only a little bit). I just want to open up the conversation a little more because mental health needs to be talked about. I hope if you are reading this then you are in better sorts then I am. If you aren't, I hope you find a way to get better that works for you.